Konoha's Sexiest Teacher
by JoannaDanna
Summary: Iruka, Kakashi, and Gai are in a competition to find out who is Konoha's Sexiest Teacher! The judges are five fangirls. A four chapter crack fic!COMPLETED
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: If I owned Naruto there would be a lot more Kaka/Iru/Gai fics, but I sadly don't.

KOHOHA'S SEXIEST TEACHER

Chapter 1

Announcer: We have reached the finals of the competition to decide Konoha's Sexiest Teacher! Our three remaining competitors are Umino Iruka, Hatake Kakashi, and Maito Gai."

(a roar of applause comes from the audience)

But one must wonder why none of the female teachers made it into the final round. Konoha has many flat out _hot_ women instructing our aspiring young ninjas and genins, so why…

(the announcer looks over at the judges, who consist of five seventeen year old fan girls)

Uh…never mind. So, are you ready to find out which lucky young educator will be named Konoha's Sexiest Teacher!

(another roar of applause from the crowd)

Okay—let's begin.

All the contestants' scores have been returned to zero to begin with.

(one of the judges—wearing an 'I heart Iruka' badge—rushes a note to the announcer)

It seems that Master Gai is actually starting off with a negative ten points.

(a loud boooo is heard from the Gai supporters, all wearing green and orange, waving banners declaring their undying love for the Beautiful Green Beast of Konoha)

Announcer: (afraid that the hissing Gai fangirls might attack) The reason the judges give is that 'Jumpsuits and legwarmers went out with the 60s and 80s and bowl cuts are tacky.'

(the Gai fangirls throw rotten vegetables—carrots and cabbages in support of their favorite competitor—at the poor announcer)

Announcer: (after he has climbed out of the nutritious mountain covering him) So without further ado…_The swimsuit competition!_

(the crowd nearly shouts themselves hoarse)

First up is Umino Iruka!

(the crowd waits expectantly, but nothing happens)

Announcer: (clearing his throat and talking louder) Umino Iruka!

Iruka pokes his head out from backstage, an adorable blush creeping over his cheeks and nose. With a steadying breath, Iruka forces himself to come out onto the stage. Most of the Iruka fangirls faint on the spot, while the rest of the crowd gives whistles of approval. Iruka's blush deepens as he walks down the runway (A/N: I know 'walking down the run way' sounds weird, but calling it a runway is better that referring to it as a 'catwalk.' Too many jokes, too little time), his white swim trunks contrasting beautifully with his dusky skin. Two of the judges try to rush the stage, but are kept from molesting the teacher by the other three judges. Now that his turn is over, Iruka goes to the far side of the stage, feeling vastly uncomfortable.

Announcer: Now it's time for contestant number two—_Hatake Kakashi come on out!_

Suddenly the lights go out. They are soon replaced with swirling spots (the tech crew happens to be comprised completely of Kakashi fans), now familiar music begins to play over the loud speaker-

_I'm too sexy_

_I'm too sexy_

Kakashi, from out of nowhere, back flips onto the stage. He then proceeds to dance in a manner that's sure to be illegal in at least 23 states. The crowd is speechless, struck dumb by the silver-haired man gyrating like a professional pole dancer. Kakashi's trunks are slinky and black, looking more like boxers than swim shorts. Of course he's wearing his head band and mask as well, but no one is staring at his face. Not with so much glorious pale glistening skin for their eyes to feast upon.

Announcer: (feeling very uncomfortable and starting to question his sexuality) Uh—ah—yes—well, Kakashi-sensei. If you would go stand over there by Iruka-sensei.

With a parting wink for the announcer, he does as he's told. Freed from the spell the dancing has cast on the audience, they start to pant and gasp, all rushing to the one water cooler in hopes of calming down.

Announcer: And now for our last contestant—_Maito Gai!_

Many have wondered why Gai is known as the _Beautiful_ Green Beast; he isn't extraordinarily attractive, and his clothes and hair cut are beyond tacky. But once Gai came out onto the stage there was no longer any doubt that he deserved his title. If Gai's green jumpsuit was tight, it was nothing compared to the green speedo he was sporting, which didn't leave much to the imagination. Gai had a body befitting the tai-jitsu master that he was; perfectly muscular and hard. He walked with confidence down the runway, delivering his patented 'nice guy' pose (teeth gleaming bright and the thumps-up particularly jaunty). The poor lonely Gai fangirl judge drowned the judges' table with her nosebleed, and many Kakashi and Iruka fangirls converted on the spot.

Announcer: That concludes the swimsuit competition! Next will be the question and answer round!

A/N: Proceed to the next chapter. I'm so happy that you are reading this! (that doesn't sound desperate at all, does it?)


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I didn't do it! I swear it wasn't me! You cant PROVE anything!

Chapter 2

Announcer: It's round two in the final section of the competition to find out who is Konoha's Sexiest Teacher! This part of the contest is the question and answer round. Each of the three remaining contestants will be given a question that they must answer, and they will be graded (no pun intended) on their responses. The questions were made up by the audience, the ones here were selected from among the judges' favorites. Okay, first up, Umino Iruka.

Iruka, waiting for his question, has such a look of innocence on his face that the Iruka fangirls (which include two of the judges) have to be physically restrained from jumping him them and there.

Announcer: Iruka-sensei, your question is: 'In graphic detail, explain what exactly your relationship is with Hatake Kakashi.'

Iuka: (unsure of what to make of the 'question') There is nothing between Kakashi-san and I, and that wasn't even technically a question.

(the Iruka and Kakashi fangirls are unsure whether to be happy or disappointed by this—the Gai fangirls could care less and are quietly snoring)

Announcer: Hatake Kakashi, your question is: 'Do you know Uchina Sasuke's number, and if so will you give it to me? I'll love you forever. XOX—From SasukeLover69.

Iruka: At least _part_ of that was a question.

Kakashi: (looking right at the only girl in the audience with a 'Uchina Rules' flag and winking) Sure I know his number, it was in the student directory. If you ask me though, you can do much better, the boy's a little moody. Well it's 713—

At this point, Sasuke seemingly materializes from thin air, and holds a kunai to his teacher's throat.

Sasuke: Say it, and your dead old man.

(Kakashi fangirls cry out in unison: 'He's not old! He's only twenty-six!)

Kakashi delivers his trade mark move (a Thousand Years of Pain), and Sasuke is sent flying.

Kakashi: (with a smile for the delusional Sasuke fangirl) How about I give you the number_ after_ the show?

(the Sasuke fangirl does a happy snoopy dance)

Announcer: Now, Master Gai…

Gai: (with a triumphant punch to the air) Yes!

Announcer: (a little weirded out by Gai's enthusiasm) Okay…your question is: 'As a Tai-jitsu master you are in the peak of condition (all the Gai fangirls concur with piercing squeals), what can I do to improve my own bodily health?

Iruka: Wow, a legitimate question.

Kakashi: Shut up, Iruka, or I won't let you be seme tonight.

(Kakashi/Iruka fangirls melt into a huge pile of ecstatically screaming goo, over which Iruka's incredulous protestations go unheard)

Announcer: So, Master Gai, what's your answer?

Gai: (striking another 'nice guy' pose, with the sound of waves crashing in the distance, and blinding a few of the camera crew with the sparkle from his teeth) It's simplicity itself. Wake up and go to bed early, eat only nutritious foods, exercise, and stay away from bad habits!

Gai offered to make a personalized work out schedule for whomever had submitted the question. The lonely Gai fangirl judge, who had broken the rules and submitted the question herself, deluged the judges' table once again with a gushing nose bleed.

Announcer: Stay tuned, Konoha for the final round, where our judges will finally decide who is Konoha's Sexiest Teacher!

A/N: Thank you for sticking with me this far! Ya'll are all wonderful. And did you know that Spell Check doesn't recognize the word 'ya'll?'


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: As I'm not a Japanese male Manga-ka, I guess it would be pretty hard to convince you that I own Naruto, huh? Yeah—they don't belong to me.

Chapter 3

Announcer: We've reached the final round ofthe competition! In this round our contestants will display a talent. Umino Iruka is once again the first up.

Iruka: (very modest an innocent) I don't really have any notable talents.

(the Iruka fangirls protest, claiming he has any number of talents)

Announcer: Well, it appears the audience disagrees, and it so happens that we have video footage that displays one of your most admirable talents.

(the announcer switches on a television set on the table next to his chair. It shows Iruka placing his body in between Naruto and Kira (A/N: I don't remember this guy's real name--gomen)in order to protect him. When the Iruka on screen takes the friggin' _huge _shrunken in the back the Iruka fangirls coo with sympathy)

Iruka: What's that supposed to show?

Announcer: Your talent is protecting your students, an admirable quality in a teacher.

(Iruka blushes)

Next up is Kakashi-sensei.

Kakashi: (swaggers on stage to screams of 'Marry me Kakashi!')

Announcer: Kakashi-sensei, your talent is delivering a quality education to your students while reading porn, is that right?

Kakashi: (looking up from this month's issue of Itcha Itcha Paradise that has seemingly materialized out of nowhere) Un?

Announcer: (shaking his head) Just play the tape.

(the screen shows Naruto attacking Kakashi, without the teacher ever once putting down his beloved Itcha Itcha Paradise, yet he effortlessly doges each blow)

Announcer: Finally, our last contestant!

Gai: (takes his place onstage next to Kakashi)

Announcer: Master Gai, Kakashi sent in pictures 'illustrating' your talent.

Gai: (turns to Kakashi questionally) What did you pick from the staggering list of my talents, my eternal rival?

Kakashi: (with an evil smirk that shows through his mask) Posing

(Gai looks confused until the announcer switches the screen to revel an issue of Naughty Ninja Magazine)

Gai: (totally unembarrassed) Ah, yes, I took those pictures in the Springtime of my Youth!

Two full pages of the magazineare dedicated to scantily clad pictures of an eighteen year old Gai in various poses. The audience was already hyperventilating, but when the centerfold was reveled one and all fell to the ground, too weak to stanch their nose bleeds.

Announcer: Well, it appears we have a winner, but nothing is known for sure until the judges display the final scores!

The judges all have toilet paper waded in their noses to stop the blood flow, and the Gai fangirl judge is being bandaged for a nasty bump she'd gotten when she banged her head on the floor from collapsing. The audience is on pins and needles as they watch the judges debate the scores.

A/N: My asterisks won't save! Waaaaaaaa! But even through my tragedy, I still remember to thank you all from behind my computer screen.


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: Okay, they don't belong to me. All except Master Gai--he's mine.

Chapter 4

Announcer: Sorry for the wait, Konoha, but our judges were unable to find a winner before the end of last night's program! But today they have the answer to the question who is Konoha's Sexiest Teacher!

(an enthusiastic cheer from the audience)

The contestants wait on stage, a spotlight over each of them. No one knows who will win. Iruka is the most beautiful, with an innocence that simply begs to be taken away, Kakashi, while he has the disadvantage of no one being able to see his face, makes up for it with a distinctly come-hither attitude, and Gai, though weird and fashion challenged, has the body of a Greek god. A score board is hanging above the stage, displaying the current scores.

Iruka: 0 Kakashi: 0 Gai: -10

Announcer: Are you ready, Konoha, to see the final scores!

(the crowd shouts out 'Yes!')

I can't hear you!

(the audience does not find the announcer's attempt at being cute funny. The Gai fangirls raise their remaining cabbages and carrots, ready to throw)

Announcer: (speaking very fast) And here they are!

The board shows the judges decision:

Iruka: 90 Kakashi: 100 Gai: 92

The Iruka fangirls burst out into tears and hug each other, trying to comfort themselves, the Gai fangirls pelt the announcer with their rotten vegetables, and the Kakashi fangirls cross their arms, looking smug.

Sasuke: (storming onto the stage) This contest was rigged!

(everything is suddenly quiet as everyone stares at Sasuke)

Sasuke: (pointing an accusing finger at his teacher) Kakashi-sensei slept with the judges!

Sasuke went to each of the judges in turn, pointing to an identically placed hicky on their necks. The Iruka and Gai fangirl judges look scandalized.

1st Iruka fangirl judge: I would never! I was with Iruka last night!

(the judge claps her hand over her mouth)

2nd Iruka fangirl judge: _Liar_, Iruka was with _me!_

(an all out cat fight ensues, with a very confused Iruka looking on)

Sasuke: Kakashi-sensei went to each one of these girls' houses last night, disguising himself as Iruka or Gai when necessary! He asked them to vote for him.

Iruka fangirl judges: (momentarily stopping pummeling each other) We were told that Iruka wanted his lover to win, because it was his birthday.

Iruka: (steam almost literally coming from his ears) Kakashi and I are not together!

But once again, no one hears Iruka's denial, because the Gai fangirl judge has gone ballistic. She jumps the stage, knocking Kakashi to the ground, and landing on his chest. Kakashi is so surprised at being attacked by a seventeen year old girl with toilet paper in her nose that he didn't bock. By the time security pulled her off, Kakashi was very grateful that his mask would hide the very embarrassing bruises left by her fists.

Announcer: (trying to calm down the judges) Girls you shouldn't be fighting each

other!

The Iruka fangirl judges stop kicking the Kakashi fangirl judges, who see their chance and run for it.

The Iruka fangirl judges: (speaking in scary unison) Your right; it's Kakashi who must die!

Announcer: That's not what I meant, you should just—

But the remaining judges (the Gai fangirl judge having finally escaped the security guard) are no longer listening to him. They are searching for Kakashi—who has managed to disappear with out a trace. The remaining judges, smearing war paint on their faces, lead the Iruka and Gai fangirls in the audience on a man hunt, with the purpose of castrating the masked instructor.

Announcer: (once again addressing the cameras) That's the end of tonight's program. Remember to watch next year's contest to name Konoha's sexiest teacher!

A/N: I based the Gai fangirl judge off of myself (a lone supporter of his greatness). My friend think I'm nuts for liking him, but he's just so dorkily cool! The difference though, it that , the last time I checked, I wasn't deflowered by Kakashi. That was my story. Thanks for reading, and hopefully reviewing.


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